Saturday, 8 December 2012

Low mood still not shifting. Dreading christmas...kids with their dad's. Lovely for them, lonely for me (poor me! what a gloomy moo I've become!). No job after April I think...despite the work I do being needed... What's not helped is the boyfriend's ex being her usual psycho self - she has written a letter to the CSA accusing me of all sorts of fraud and misbehaviour....tedious and boring to deal with, but also horribly stressful. All the stuff she has said is patiently untrue.Boyfriend is like a rabbit in headlights as she has put loads of stuff in her letter about him too, again all untrue. I think she has a personality disorder or at the very least a very unhealthy obsession with the man who left her 9 years ago. I've asked the boyfriend to get legal advice but he is so fed up with it all, he is sticking his head in the sand and hoping it all goes away. I fear that this latest drama will be the end of us. I can excuse most of his behaviour and his lack of consideration but this? How much more can I take? Not much more I think. Hmmmm.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

a self pitying rant and moan...

Having posted a couple of weeks ago about feeling low, things haven't really improved. On the surface and to all and sundry, I'm my ususal chirpy self. How can I not be, when the families I work with are so low? They don't need a gloomy face whey they feel gloomy enough as it is. I suppose I'm very tired, not having had a proper break since, well since? Can't actually remember when I've had some decent time to myself. Now if any of my family or indeed my lovely man was to read this they would be surprised and probably annoyed. I had a week away in the sun in August didn't I? I have almost every second weekend to myself don't I? Well yes. But, but and but again....I am at the beck and call of my family and lovely man. I didn't want to go on holiday that particular week, and felt really pressured to go. I wanted a week at home to sort out all the crap and jobs that need doing. Instead I spent a week, panicing inside about work, home and all the otehr crap in my head. I had hoped for lots of lovely food and intimacy, but.....that's another post. I came home to all the shite I'd left a week before. I'm working again this half term. Running the holdiay activities I do for all those families who are at the end of their rope with their kids, many of whom are on Child Protection. My lovely man is away seeing his dad for a few days. Before he left, he gave me a list of things to do for him. He rang on Friday, to say how much he loved and missed me? No..to check I'd done as he'd asked....hmmmm. Am I a pushover? Doormat? Re-reading the above I think I am...and to add to the mix, my ex hub has been diagnoised with a degenerative condition. Terrible for him, and being completely sefish, for me too as I can now see yet another person needing my support and I'll be doing even more ferrying around. Pffft.

Sunday, 9 September 2012

Hello world.... Been yonks since I last blogged. Have had a bit of an uppy downy year so far...kids fine, still just about paying the mortgage and keeping hold of my job.... But...but..and but again...the depression that I thought I'd kicked a long time ago is slowly coming back....like a drop of black ink in a clear bowl of water, my mood is darkening and I'm finding it harder each day to greet the dawn with my (now long gone) sense of optimism and cheerfulness.... So what's happened? Nothing really. I just can't get back to the cheery being I used to be....stuff that I'd shrug off, now weighs me down and I cannot shift into a lighter gear.... I'm worried about money. Worried about my work contract not being renewed. Stuff that I am always worried about, but I can't dismiss as before. So what to do? Go to the docs and get meds and or signed off work? No chance - doing the job I do, any hint of depression would alarm the people who employ me and cast a shaddow of doubt on my ability to do the work I do. Tell my family? Nope again. No chance - I love them but don't want them to know. They'd worry and want to help. Wouldn't tell the kids - too much for them. And as for my lovely man, no way....even after 8 years together, I have not fully opened up to him and keep the core of me very much hidden.....maybe I'm afraid that he'd run off....hmmmm. So, whoever reads this - any advice? Pearls of wisdom?

Thursday, 5 January 2012

If I do NOTHING else in 2012....

I will sort out my finances. I am 46 years of age and I cannot get to grips with my money. I earn a good wage, but have racked up various debts over the years.....including remorgaging twice....and borrowing 30k to pay off the fekkin ex-hub. I have 3k on a credit card and an old overdraft of 2k....I need to go self empolyed from April and this has, erm, concentrated my mind somewhat so I don't let this already leaky ship go down....

I've always managed to get work...despite no real qualifications, apart from good manners and an ability to get along with most people. I can type, use an apostrophe,spell and can add up in my head. The Nuns did a good job.

I think I'm afraid of money. Is that odd? I get a panic attack just thinking about my bank balance, even when I'm in the black. I like to spend money....not on big things, but on nice bits from John Lewis....and I've never spent any more that £500 on anything....even my wedding dress! I have never had an ISA and the only reason I have a pension is that they deducted it from source....

My sisters are the same as me. And we NEVER talk about it. I suppose they are as embarassed as me.

So. I'm determined that my daughter will be much more money savvy than me. She has a bank account and puts her spare cash in the account. She wants to get a job so she can SAVE for a car or stash some cash for uni.

Save? What's that!? When I was her age I was paid in cash on a Thursday, took out £20 and gave the rest to my mother. I smoked and drank the £20 over the weekend. Happy days!

I have decided to keep a spending diary. So far, since Monday I have spent £220. This does not include my standing orders/direct debits. Shit! £220!!!! And it's only Thursday.

It is painful for me to keep a list as I can see how much shite I buy. And how much I spend on the kids. And how fekkin grateful TESCO should be to women like me as we seem to spend almost all our income in your fekkin' extra/metro/express money pits.

The car is in for it's MOT so....three Hail Mary's and an Our Father it'll come through...and I can keep it on the road for another year....

So I'll keep up the spending list and keep the blog posted on how much I'm spending and hopefully....with some words of encouragment, I can get to grips with my pennies and pounds in 2012!!!

Happy New Year!!!!