Friday, 26 August 2011

a day of happiness...and some regrets....

Today my lovely son turns 12. He is the apple of my eye, the sugar in my coffee, the love of my life...yes all those old chestnuts, but you know what I mean. Today is also my wedding anniversary - I would've been married 16 years today if ex-hub hadn't had a mid life crisis and fecked off 9 years ago.

As I type this my son, his dad, my darling daughter and her boyfriend are messing about in my front room with his new drum kit. As you might have gleaned from earlier blog posts, I can't stand my ex-hub and his lazy ways and am much happier now than when I was married......hmmm....however, I liked being married. I liked that the kids had a mum AND a dad who lived together in the same house. I like being a Mrs. Even thought I didn't like the Mr very much in the end....

As we got ready to leave for the wedding,I remember my dad saying, as we both downed a quick gin before we left the house, that it wasn't too late and that I didn't have to get married.
Maybe he knew that we wouldn't last and that the man I was about to marry would eventually let me down and leave me bereft.....

So zap forwards 16 years and my ex-hub sits in my front room. He has has three, maybe more, relationships since he divorced me. He still lives with his dad, sleeping in his teenage bedroom. I paid him loads of cash to get his name off the house so I didn't have any other ties to him other than the children. God knows what he has done with the cash, clearly not spent to help him properly move on.

I know he regrets the divorce and he too liked being married. Just not to me...He mopes about and now and again the bitterness he feels about the situation he created comes through. Me? I, like millions of women before me, picked myself up off the floor, carried on with caring for the kids, working, paying the morgage and just bloody well got on with life.
I love my life now, and the lovely man who gave me back my sense of self 7 years ago.

So, I do feel sad and I suppose that's ok as I did love him once and the life we had. I just feel anger at him now for what he did and how he destroyed our happy family. And he knows what he did - I don't need to remind him.