Monday, 22 June 2009

Regrets, I've had a few.....

As you might have gleaned reading past blog posts, I have a reasonably good relationship with ex-hub. We separated in 2002 after 12 years and 2 kids together....so lots of history and shared memories. Our realtionship,post divorce, improved once we realised that we loved our kids more than we hated each other...


On Fathers day, we all went out to the local curry house for a very civilised meal. It was lovely. He paid and the kids behaved themselves. I was surprised when he suggested going out, as he usually avoids any kind of 'family' time with me. I don't think he has ever gotten over the fact that he no longer lives with his children. It makes me sad and I sometimes think about what would've happened if we both had tried harder and been kinder to each other. Don't get me wrong, I am much happier now that I was before, but I'm not sure the kids really are and if ex-hub really is either. I suppose that makes me very selfish, and I would change things if I could. However, I no longer love him and I am truly in love with my lovely boyfriend. Ex hub is very much in love with his girlfriend, who is lovely and is very good for him. So it's not about me and him, but about our kids and the impact divorce and separation has on them, and the absent parent. Me and ex-hub have managed to re-build our emotional life, but I'm not sure that our kids ever will.



I look at the likes of Katie and Peter, and how their realtionship meltdown is being played out in the very unforgiving glare of the tabloid press. We all do things we regret during a divorce - mostly in private and between the 2 people involved usually. I am so glad that my kids will never see the horrible texts and e mails or hear the shitty phone messages we left for each other as our marriage imploded. All those kids have to do is google 'Jordan divorce' and there it is for them to see - their parents at their worst.


I come from a culture that believed that marriage was for life, however terrible it was. Marital infidelity was rife, but swept under the carpet. Divorce was taboo. Maybe it was my was of rebelling against that culture that made me go for the divorce? Who knows. All I do know is that we get one life and we must make the most of it. Life truly is too short to hold a grudge or hate an ex-partner.

9 comments:

Exmoorjane said...

Huge thanks for visiting my blog and commenting. Can only begin to imagine how tough divorce is...and I am full of admiration for people who manage to set aside any past antagonism for the sake of their shared children.
Jordan and Peter Andre? yes, indeed, those poor children.

helenprev said...

Thanks for that post; I'm right at the beginning, not long separated from my husband after 14 years and three children together. We are trying our best to be nice to each other for the children, but it is so hard at times.

Really good to see you a good few years down the line finding it is possible. Very encouraging. Thank you!

Moannie said...

It is so easy for me to boast of my fifty years of marriage to the same man-divorce was not at all the done thing in those middle ages where I sometimes floundered and thrashed about, not always as happy as I thought I should be.It was a costly business involving PI's and incriminating photographs, or five years of waiting if deserted, and stick with it if it was a case of 'irreconcilable differences'. Who knows, had it been as simple as it is today whether we would had stuck it out. Thankfully there were more happy times than bad and here we are.

It is good that you and your ex. manage to keep up a relationship for your children's sake. They will appreciate it and understand it more fully as they mature.

Jordan and Peter? Well who cares about them, it is once again the children's happiness at stake here.

Working Mum said...

So difficult when torn between your own happiness and the impact on your children. Having never gone through a divorce myself, I cannot comment n the pros and cons, but I do hope it never happens to me. I'm sure your happiness (both yours and your ex-husband's) is good for your children, though.

Frankies' Cornish Farmyard Ramblings said...

Love your blog, came via Auntie Gwen. Good luck to you you may not think so but you have it sussed.
Keep blogging, your good.

auntiegwen said...

Like yourself I still get on with my ex, I never wanted the children to feel they could only have 1 parent attend things

xx

The Dotterel said...

So true, that final sentence. So vert true... Wish my ex agreed!

Retiredandcrazy said...

My ex-husband and I had a good divorce relationship too. He was a bastard as a husband, but it worked quite well as friends and it helped the children through the trauma.

Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst said...

My ex and I divorced 10 years ago. With 4 children, and a 13yr marriage I was terrified, even though it was at my instigation. We were not happy together anymore, not nasty yet not going anywhere. The constant tension between us definitely effected the children. So, although I would say our split was amicable, I always felt guilt for 'splitting' the family, and worried endlessly for the children. But as Moannie says 'They will appreciate it and understand it more fully as they mature' Thankfully mine now do, they are 15, 18, 19 & 21 so are more than fully aware of the need for personal happiness, mainly their own I might add! that's teenagers for you. But they do understand now, so all the sleepless nights of worry, and running around to make sure they spent time with Daddy paid off. So keep up the good work, with the ex and the blog!