Monday, 14 December 2009

Teenagers # 2 and rats under the floorboards

My darling daughter was 16 last week. In addition to a birthday meal at Pizza Express - £115, my mother sent her £50 and I gave her £100, along with two Topshop vouchers from my friends for £ a trip to the cinema for 8 friends costing £60 ....
Now, in my book, that seems like a pretty good deal, for a 16 year old.....not in her books I'm afraid.

She was 'annoyed' (!) that she had only £100 to spend from me as she thought it was 'gonna be £200', God spare me, but in my book, she should've been delighted....I spend less on my weekly shop in Tesco for God's sake!!

In addition to the above, several of her friends stayed over on saturday night after the flicks. She had a fit when I insisted that the boys slept downstairs and the girls upstairs. In fact she had a complete strop and hissy fit about this. When, at 1am I asked (!) the kids to settle down and go to sleep, she went mad (quietly - hissing at me through clenched train tracks...) and refused to switch off the video thing in her room.

Holy God, what have I raised? Her behaviour is outrageous - I would never have behaved like this to my mum. Am I such a useless mother that she thinks it's ok to behave like this? Now, there was no drugs, or booze or sex or really bad behaviour at the weekend, but should I be grateful for this and ignore her disrespectful behaviour?

One of her friends mothers rang me before the sleepover to check all was ok and that they we actually going to be at my house. To be honest I was astounded that one of the parents had actually phoned - I do as a matter of course, but to date just one other mum has called me to check the arrangments for a sleepover. Her daugher is as horrible as mine - and I'm ashamed to tell you all but both me and this other mum hid in our wardrobes, doors shut to chat as our darling daughters were on Stasi patrol listening to our conversation!!!

I used to read that teenagers column in the Guardian and think - ha, what a useless lefty liberal mother, unable to manage her kids and allowing them to walk all over her. Hmm, well that smug attitude has come back to bite me on the arse!!

Anyhow, her dad has been great and has agreed with me that she is grounded till Christmas eve.
He is coming over tomorrow night to talk to her (!) and set out some very basic expectations around her behaviour.

I am so depressed about this! I work full time and have another younger child ...God I am so feeble! To be honest I am so pissed off with her I am very afraid that if I loose it with her, I won't be able to stop and it will really end in tears.

I usually try and find the funny side of life, but living with a teenage girl has defeated my funny bone.....

Oh, and to cap all that I've got a rat, and it's (them! eurrrgh!!) scrabbling about under my floor and in the blocked up chimney breast in my kitchen. I've put poison down ( forget humane killing - they are fekkin vermin) and blocked up all the holes.

Hmm,horrible teenagers or scrabbley rats...hard choice really.not sure which is worse!This might send me over the edge....but in the meantime ...bring on the merlot....!

Saturday, 14 November 2009


2. Unmade beds...even if the person says they are letting it air...hmm...
3. People who leave dirty dishes in a basin in the sink and then let it fill with dirty water!!!!
4. Crumbs from the toaster on the worksurface...
5. Spitting in the street!
6. Eating in the street!!!!
7. Children who have to have a drink every 5 minutes when out and about, God forbid they might get de-hydrated!!!
8. People who eat smelly food in a public place LIKE THE BUS and then LEAVE THE WRAPPINGS ON THE SEAT WHEN THEY GET OFF SAID BUS!!!!!!!!!!
9. Reliant Robin drivers who think driving at 20 MPH in rush hour is acceptable.....
10. People who don't rinse the bath after using it.....

You might have guessed that I've had a particularly trying week.

11. Fekkin rugger buggers who clog up the roads with their 4x4's and STOP ME GOING ABOUT MY LAWFUL BUSINESS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SATURDAY!!!!!
12. Women of a certain age, who should know better, wearing rugby shirts. Purleese!!

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Why women blog....

I read India Knight's article in the Sunday times with interest. I consider myself a 'mummy blogger', but whoa, after reading Ms Knight's piece, I feel distinctly unglam and pretty boring!!
I tend to blog randomly about stuff in general that either bugs me or makes me laugh. I've no set pattern or timetable. I also blog in secret.....I'd be mortified if anyone I knew actually read the blog!

I've just registered with this ad thing - you can see them popping up on the blog page. I was curious to see if I could actually earn any money to add to the very empty pot that is my bank fact I'm overdrawn in every account I have AND I owe £600 to the OU. Yikes! Aren't some of the ads pretty mad! Let's see how much rubbish, tat and general bonkersness I'm asked to advertise!!

So the blog really reflects the kind of person I am....random, no planning or structure and failing to make any decent money!!

Monday, 5 October 2009

God spare me from the evil that is smugness....

I'm very cross. So cross in fact I need to vent to you all. I'm usually a calm and contained person, slow to anger, except in the car and there, to be honest, all decorum flies out the window. To my shame I've even give some poor woman the finger (yes I know! Im bloody 44!!) when she had the temerity to pull out in front of me a tad slowly....

Any hoo. Back to why I'm so cross. Me and my lovely man went to dinner at a friend of his on Saturday night. We had agreed that I'd drive home so wouldn't drink. All fine so far. I'd met this couple only the once before and they seemed ok. Just like us in fact. Hmmmm. Well on Saturday night I realised how bloody tedious people are when drunk and you are very sober. Now my lovely man has a rather , erm, checkered romantic history shall I say. He has 2 ex partners and 3 kids by said partners. One ex is fairly ok, but the other is a bloody psycho. Our hosts on Saturday night have met both ex's, and now me. So far so ...ok...

As they got more sloshed, the questions and remarks about my lovely man's personal life became more pointed and intrusive. He was getting just as sloshed so answered the questions as they came...I think he felt a bit overwhelmed and his guilt about his kids etc always surfaces when he's had a few... Now, me being sober,tried to change the subject a number of no avail. The wife even went so far as asking my lovely man if he had realised how much he had fucked up his life - charming and so subtle!!

So. result? One pissed man, one very sober pissed off woman and two bloody nosey hosts who had their curiosity well and truly sated. The cherry on the cake of that evening was them asking when the big day was for us and should the wife buy a hat any time soon!! I nearly fekkin said 'buy one and I'll shove it sunshine,' but I didn't. They wouldn't have remembered anyway next morning.

So, what I'm really cross about is why some people are so nosey and so keen to pass judgement and tell you what THEY think about how you live your life. I suppose this couple, who've been married 25 years are what good old Bridget Jones would've called Smug Married. They mugged my lovely man at the dinnertable and he foolishly, gave in to them. I'm no saint, but I would NEVER probe so deeply or personally just to get a vicarious thrill out of anothers 'misfortune'...hmmmm.

So, I'll be giving this couple a very wide bearth in future. Divorce, death,poor health I can cope with. Smugness and crass insensitivity...ugh, God spare me that.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

12 random things

1. I am 44 and a size 8-10.
2. My hair is dyed, but naturally curly...I have never had a perm...unlike my poker-haired sisters.
3. My ex husband divorced me for unreasonable behaviour....I thought he was a BASTARD at the time, but, he was probably right in retrospect. I was a terrible wife.
4. Sex is a zillion times better in your 40s. Especially with a man who is not your husband (or any one elses in case you were wondering...)
5. Red wine IS a vitamin.
6. I should've married for money, not love.
7. I just want to stay at home and be a full time mummy and have a clean and tidy home.
8. I am terrible with money, hence cannot afford to be 7 above.
9. However, if I had done 6, then I probably could've been a 7..
10. I am the tallest female in my family and I'm 5'4".
11.I love lists.
12. The keeping of guinea pigs and 3 legged cats should be a criminal offence.

Sunday, 5 July 2009


Lying in bed this morning with my lovely man, I asked him to say something romantic and nice about me that he liked. "You don't have a fat arse", was his considered reply. Now, I know I don't have a fat bottom, being 5 foot 4 and 8 and a half I asked him again. He looked at me as if I was mad - " Wasn't that nice enough?". Not really, I said. "What about something a bit more, erm, positive?" Like what? Well, like you have lovely bum. "That's what I said " he replied now sounding exasperated. Hmm. I decided to leave this topic as it would eventually lead to me in a big moody snit and him even more exasperated and cross. Lesson learned? Don't ask for an ego boost from a man who thinks saying you don't have a fat arse is being romantic.

Monday, 22 June 2009

Regrets, I've had a few.....

As you might have gleaned reading past blog posts, I have a reasonably good relationship with ex-hub. We separated in 2002 after 12 years and 2 kids lots of history and shared memories. Our realtionship,post divorce, improved once we realised that we loved our kids more than we hated each other...

On Fathers day, we all went out to the local curry house for a very civilised meal. It was lovely. He paid and the kids behaved themselves. I was surprised when he suggested going out, as he usually avoids any kind of 'family' time with me. I don't think he has ever gotten over the fact that he no longer lives with his children. It makes me sad and I sometimes think about what would've happened if we both had tried harder and been kinder to each other. Don't get me wrong, I am much happier now that I was before, but I'm not sure the kids really are and if ex-hub really is either. I suppose that makes me very selfish, and I would change things if I could. However, I no longer love him and I am truly in love with my lovely boyfriend. Ex hub is very much in love with his girlfriend, who is lovely and is very good for him. So it's not about me and him, but about our kids and the impact divorce and separation has on them, and the absent parent. Me and ex-hub have managed to re-build our emotional life, but I'm not sure that our kids ever will.

I look at the likes of Katie and Peter, and how their realtionship meltdown is being played out in the very unforgiving glare of the tabloid press. We all do things we regret during a divorce - mostly in private and between the 2 people involved usually. I am so glad that my kids will never see the horrible texts and e mails or hear the shitty phone messages we left for each other as our marriage imploded. All those kids have to do is google 'Jordan divorce' and there it is for them to see - their parents at their worst.

I come from a culture that believed that marriage was for life, however terrible it was. Marital infidelity was rife, but swept under the carpet. Divorce was taboo. Maybe it was my was of rebelling against that culture that made me go for the divorce? Who knows. All I do know is that we get one life and we must make the most of it. Life truly is too short to hold a grudge or hate an ex-partner.

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Teenagers, shopping,heroic self control and ex-hubs family

Another weekend spent hacking away at the coalface that is family life. A simple shopping trip turned into the usual nightmare. We started out civil enough. Got the bus ok (sort of..see below...), got off the bus ok, had lunch ok....and then PRIMARK. Stuff everywhere. People, mostly large with stupid hats or hair or earrings, everywhere. Stupid people with buggies, in which nestled toddlers eating chips/crisps/sausage rolls. Added to this, my 15 year old in a major strop, because I wouldn't spend £25 on 6 inches of parachute silk, masquerading as a skirt, in Topshop. May God forgive you Kate Moss.

I thought that having suggested a day out shopping, my daughter would at least take the teenage sneer off her face long enough to say, 'ooh yes mummy, that would be lovely!!' Instead, I got a grunt and then an hour long, low level whinge about how crap her life is having a mother who wants to go shopping on public transport. ' I mean, dur!! How gay are you mum!! The BUS! I'm not a CHAV you know!!' Instead of smacking that sneer off her face, I took my sainted mother's advice and offered it up to the holy spirit. Heroic self control. She hissed at me, eyes like slits, that her bad mood was because she was about to 'come on' and OMG MUM, I NEARLY DIE OF PAIN EVERY MONTH. IT'S NOT CALLED THE CURSE FOR NOTHING!!SOB.. I was slightly hormonal myself...but hey! Who cares! Not her! She thinks I am far too old for a period and I should just do the decent thing, and have the menopause,' cos mum, you know , it's a bit disgusting you being on at your age' (43..) Deep breaths,large merlot....sit on your hands so you don't WRAP THEM ROUND HER THROAT. Grrrrrrrrrrr..

In the end, we had a reasonable day - we even came back home on the same bus - a major success. The stress involved in raising a teenager really gets me down. I know it is a cliche but I would never have been as rude to my mother as my daughter is to me. Downright rude in fact. Her response to me not allowing her to go to a mixed sleepover was to call me ' A FREAK OF NATURE!!!!!' Her capitals and exclaimation marks. Some days, I really cannot face going home. I am not sure quite what mood she will be in, whether it will be all sweetness and light or a Linda Blair special. Or a mix of the two. 'Your mother sucks prozac in Asda' .....hmmm.

The shopping trip was to buy my darling daughter a frock for her Confirmation. Now that whole Confirmation thing requires a posting all to itself - all I'll say at this stage is that we had a party where my ex hubs family came en-masse - think extras in the Sopranos, but not in a good way.... I felt slightly out numbered as it was just me, my sister and lovely boyfriend on my side. Both my ex-hub and lovely boyfriend spent the evening with their stomachs pulled in and chests puffed out. I could almost taste the testosterone. They circled round each other, chatting (!) politely, trying to out 'bloke' each other, both obviously thinking 'wanker' as they chatted through gritted teeth. Hillarious! I surpassed my self in my utter loveliness and chatted merrily away to the WAGs of ex hubs they all got sozzled on white wine, while their various offspring caused havoc, and I stayed annoyingly sober, being the deignated driver. Smug, moi?

I love my daughter dearly and I know in my heart that this will pass and my lovely girl will re-appear. However, until that happens, I am battening down those metaphorical hatches and hitting the merlot....pray for me Mother...

Saturday, 28 March 2009

I'm back!

Hello all. I've not blogged for a while as I've been very busy. Busy doing what exactly it's hard to say, but working full time, 'parenting' a very tricky teen (i.e NOT killing her when she rolls her eyes at me for the zillionth time..), doing a part-time (!) degree with the OU and keeping various small animals alive seem to have taken up all my time. I've also managed to get trapped into agreeing to sit on the summer fete committee again. Holy God in the feck did this happen again I hear myself scream ...(Edvard Munch anyone?)... I think I'm still suffering from PTSD from the coconut episode at last years fete, never mind the grotto/police/santa incident the year before....

The chair of the committee has suggested, truly, that we book a circus. A CIRCUS. Now, in my humble opinion, a school fete usually involves a raffle, dodgy burgers, a nun/priest (catholic school remember), various stalls selling crap, teachers getting pissed and a crackly tannoy. No live animals, certainly not lions or tigers, or women in spangly leotards hanging from a trapeeze.
The next committee meeting is on Wednesday - I shall keep you posted.

Other news. My ex-husband has just split from his girlfriend and is now spending a lot of time in my, I repeat MY house. I thought the whole point of divorce was that you saw less of each other? And maybe I was wrong, but paying him 30K to get his name off the deeds was my way so saying FECK OFF NOW.... hmm. Maybe this will tip me over the edge.... I am quite sad as I really liked his girlfriend, she was funny and interesting, and she had cankles, so I always felt good standing next to her (meow - I know,I know...)

Get this - how far has the modern family come - he has given his ex girlfriend (her) his ex-wife's (me) mobile number so we, not him, can organise contact for her kids (not his) and my kids (his) to keep in touch. Hmm. Again, I'll keep you posted.

Sunday, 4 January 2009


1. Stop swearing in the car.
2. Stop shouting at other drivers.
3. Say something nice to at least one person per day, and actually mean it.
4. Stop shreiking about stuff like the state of the house/guinea pigs/bedrooms/garden as I walk through the door from work.
5. Greet my kids and ask them how their day as been, instead of shouting about what they heck they've been doing since coming home from school and why they've eaten all the biscuits/crisps/nice yoghurts.
6. Keep control of my eyebrows.
7. Have more sex.
8. Take up Pilates. Or something. Not just talk about it.
9. Make curtains. Fully lined. And hang them up, properly.
10. Chill out and stop stressing about points 1-9.