Have not been blogging of late as I've been feeling quite depressed. 'Down in the dumps' my mother would call it. She'd tell me to buck up, count my blessings and have another cup of tea. Pretty good advice generally, but this bout of the dumps has been a bit more of a challenge to get through. Not sure what triggered it off really, possibly something to do with overworking, trying to juggle (non-existant) childcare and having no money. Actually having minus money as I'm overdrawn and morgaged up to my middle aged neck.
How did I get here? When I started this blog I thought having to report on my quest for fun would make me seek out that fun. Well, that hasn't happened. My children are a joy, my ex hub managable and I'm in a relationship. So what's there to feel down about? I suppose that getting to 43 without any major trauma, apart from a divoce, is something to celebrate. Is it about feeling that my best years are behind me? Or that I'll be a morgage slave till I'm knocking 70? Or that I have finally realised that the life my mother lived - didn't work, stayed at home, looked after her family, wasn't such a bad life after all? I earn a reasonable 40k per annum, doing a job I like, with people I like. I think I'm just a bit lonely - all of my current friends are work friends and I've lost touch with lots of my old friends.
I have come to the conclusion that I've been very careless with my friendships. Mostly to do with self confidence and the belief that I'm not a particulary interesting person so why bother keeping in touch with anyone...bonkers, but true. I look at my daughter as she forms her important, life long friendships and I envy her - why didn't I recognise the value of friendship so long ago? Why did I allow my lack of confidence and low self esteem sabotage these friendships? I have always put the men in my life before my friends and this has not served me well. Not surprised they got fed up with me and moved on to other more reciprocal friendships.
Every day I tell my children how beautiful they are and how much they are loved so they will never fell that lack of value or importance that I felt as a young kid. My mother would be horrified if she read this - as far as she, and many from her generation who lived through the war, as long as your children were fed, clean and obedient all was well within the family. No room or need for any fancy stuff like telling your kids they are wonderful..
The impact we as parents have on our children has such a huge impact on the adults they might become - hence the need to tell these future adults how valued they are.
A gloomy post I know, but one that I feel I have to write...however having re-read it, I know that my mother did her best and anyway, we all need to take responsbility for our actions - so I'm telling myself to get a grip, grow up and after that cup of tea, get back on track for my quest - MORE FUN PLEASE!